Bob the Couch Potato
by Muchacho1994
Summary: Bob the Builder refuses to fix it, which results in very dire consequences. Please review!
1. Intro Chapter

_Bob the Couch Potato_

_Can we fix it?_

_Bob the Couch Potato_

_Uh, just a minute_

_Chips and some soda, some TV too_

_Watching some shows instead of fixing with the crew_

_Pilchard, get down, go play with Spud_

_I'm busy watching _Full House_ like lazy men do_

_Bob the Couch Potato_

_Can we fix it?_

_Bob the Couch Potato_

_Uh, maybe tonight_

_Time to get busy, such a lot to do_

_But I really can't, so away with you_

_I'm busy right now, I'm having fun_

_After I finish this pizza, we can get the job done_

_Can we build it?_

_Well..._

_Can we fix it?_

_Uhh..._

_Bob the Couch Potato_

_Can we fix it?_

_Bob the Couch Potato_

_NO, WE CAN'T! I'M TOO LAZY! DO IT THE FUCK YOURSELF!_

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Bob turned on the old cathode ray tube television he hadn't bother to replace yet, and sat in his armchair. Nowadays, all that was on were reruns of crappy old sitcoms such as _Seinfeld, ALF, _and _The Golden Girls. _They weren't that entertaining, but he watched them anyway, since they were the only things on, usually. As he watched, he ate some sour cream and onion chips and sipped some Mr. Pibb with a blank expression on his face. He yawned and stretched. He really didn't feel like doing anything. "Yep, this is the life."

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Wendy turned onto her street after one of the most hectic shopping trips ever, which involved looking for 15 minutes for moose tracks ice cream when it was actually right in plain sight, an idiot cashier who kept punching in the total wrong, and a hillbilly ass-raping her in the parking lot. She shook her head, trying to block out the scene at the parking lot as the entrance to the construction yard came into view. She pulled in, and found the vehicles talking to each other.

"Where's Bob?" griped Scoop.

"Yeah!" agreed Roley. Everyone started to speak simultaneously. Wendy shut off the car and walked over to them.

"What's going on here?" asked Wendy over the commotion.

"Bob isn't out here yet!" complained Muck. "He said we would be at Farmer Pickles' house by 2:00 PM to fix the hole in his roof!"

Dizzy glanced at the clock tower to read the time. "And it's _past _2 already!" she moaned.

"He told me he was going inside to fetch his toolbox! He should have gotten it by now!" Lofty added. "Uh, I _think_ he should have gotten it by now..."

"Hm," Wendy said. "I'm going inside to see what's going on." And with that, she got the groceries out of the trunk and opened the door to the house she shared with Bob.

"Booo-ooob!" she called. "I'm back with the groceriiiies!"

Bob looked rather startled when she came in carrying the groceries. The first thing that Wendy noticed was the insane amount of food in the living room. Empty chip bags, pizza boxes, and cans and bottles filled the wastebasket and then littered the floor. Her floor. Whatever food Bob hadn't eaten was on the coffee table, completely covering it.

Bob was in the recliner, still in his pajamas, and with a blank expression on his face. Wendy noticed the 5:00 shadow he had also. He was stuffing himself with a Meatball Marinara from Subway that had lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, and honey mustard on it as well. As a result, the sandwich barely closed and the fillings barely stayed inside.

"Bob... what are you doing?" the female construction worker asked playfully, slowly approaching Bob. As she got closer, she noticed his slightly distended belly. "Yeah, you've been putting on a few pounds, haven't you?"

"Yeah, I guess," sighed Bob. "Could you please move out of the way? I'm trying to watch my _Hogan's Heroes._"

"Bob, could you please help us? Farmer Pickles' roof has a hole in it and needs repairing. Do you not even know what time it is?" Wendy continued.

"Leave me alone, Wendy," Bob growled as the Bing Crosby Productions logo appeared. "Now look what you've done! You made me miss the end of the episode!"

"Bob, it's 2:30. You need to turn the TV off. I thought you were going to get your toolbox."

"Yeah, yeah, just let me finish this sandwich, OK?" he insisted. "I'll get dressed as soon as I'm finished with it, I promise."

Wendy watched Bob finish the sandwich. After that, he polished off the rest of the chips and downed the remainder of the Mr. Pibb.

"Bob..." reminded Wendy.

"Please, just let me finish this episode of _Adam-12_," pleaded Bob.

Wendy sighed.

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Two hours later, the toolbox was still in Bob's room, Farmer Pickles' roof still had a huge hole in it, and Bob remained in the armchair. Finally, Wendy decided she'd had enough and switched off the TV. "Bob, you need to fix Farmer Pickles' roof now," she said, a little pissed off. "It's going to be storming tonight, and if the roof isn't fixed by the time it starts pouring, the house'll be flooded by the rain."

"Ah, phooey on him," scoffed Bob, "I ain't fixing a roof for that imbecile we call Pickles! Go do it yourself, I have more important things to do with my time than fix a roof for an asshole who doesn't know how to do it himself."

Wendy finally lost her temper. "That's it, Bob! I have had enough of you, and the time has definitely come for me to put my foot down!" she shouted. "Okay. If you don't get out of that chair by the count of ten, the Hypno Slaves will come to get you!" Wendy hoped that this would convince Bob to get out of the chair and do some work for a change...

"Who the hell are the Hypno Slaves? Stop being so pissed off and leave me alone!"

...but it didn't.

So, Wendy started counting.

"One... two... three... four... five... six..."

Bob didn't know what would happen once Wendy reached ten, but decided it would be better not to find out. He reached for the handgun that he kept behind the chair cushion, and aimed it at Wendy.

"...seven... eight..." Wendy continued counting; since her eyes were shut as she did so, she didn't see Bob pull a gun and aim it at her.

Bob put his finger on the trigger...

"...nine... t**_AAAAAAHHHHH!_**" Suddenly, there was a loud bang and Wendy felt something penetrate her in the head, and then in the heart. She screamed as she dropped to the floor, the blood from her wounds spilling onto the carpet and staining it red. Her breathing ceased and her heart stopped beating, but Bob wasn't doing CPR on her.

Wendy died.

"Well, that takes care of the little bitch," Bob muttered as he got up, turned the television back on, and got comfortable in his seat again. He opened up a bag of oatmeal cookies and devoured them, then relaxed and dozed off, as the rain began to fall outside.

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**So, how did you like this first chapter? Did you burst out laughing? Did you just have a blank expression like Bob? Or did you hate this so much that you screamed bloody murder, ripped all your hair out and destroyed the computer?! Whatever your reaction was, tell me in your reviews! If you don't, the Hypno Slaves might come to get you too! But even if you didn't review, thanks for reading! I hope to post a new chapter very soon.**


	2. The Hypno Slaves

Farmer Pickles ran around frantically, grabbing as many pots, pans, bottles, and containers as possible. Bob never bothered to come and fix his roof, and now it was raining through the hole.

"Why, Bob?" he groaned softly as the rainwater filled the containers. Once they were filled, he threw the rainwater out of the containers out the window, then had to replace them before too much rain rained on the floor. He wondered if Bob was sick today, but usually, Bob would call him if he was too sick to fix it. Either way, his roof was still broken, and there wasn't much he could do about it... unless...

_The hole isn't that big__,_ he thought; _even Travis is bigger than that hole.__ Wait... Travis._

An idea rushed to his mind. "SPUD!" he called. "TRAVIS!"

The tractor and scarecrow immediately rushed over.

"Yes, Farmer Pickles?" Travis answered.

"What's the matter?" Spud said in his nasal voice.

"Spud, I want you to make a ramp from the ground to the roof," explained Farmer Pickles. "Travis, when the ramp is finished, I want you to drive up the ramp and cover the hole on the roof."

"Yes, Farmer Pickles," they both replied, and got to work.

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Bob was suddenly awoken by a loud thunderclap. "WAUGH!" he screamed, wide awake. He looked at his watch. 1:28 AM. "Seriously!?"

"Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog," a voice from the television said. Ubu barked, and suddenly, Snoopy, Caillou, and SpongeBob jumped out of his mouth into Bob's living room.

"Wait, what the hell's going on here?" Bob whimpered, hiding under a blanket and shivering.

SpongeBob laughed. "What a baby! Even Caillou is more mature than that!"

The skinhead and beagle fell to the floor and joined the laughfest, then got up and took the blanket off Bob.

"Who are you guys?" yelled Bob.

"I'm Caillou," said Caillou.

Snoopy barked.

"That's Snoopy, and I'm SpongeBob," said SpongeBob.

Snoopy barked again, holding up a hat and cane.

"What's _he _doing?" asked Bob.

"Oh," said Caillou, smiling, "He's asking if you want to see him tap-dance."

"What?! NO! Get outta here!" Bob shouted angrily. "What are you doing here anyways?"

"Allow us to introduce ourselves," said Caillou. Then, music started and SpongeBob and Caillou also grabbed hats and canes.

Bob realized what was going on. "NO! No singing, no dancing! Do it outside if you'd like, but not in my house." He pointed towards the door.

"OK, fine," said Snoopy in an English accent. "We'll just tell you."

"**HOLY SHIT!**" screamed the other three.

"...What?" the dog shrugged.

Everyone stared in shock. Except SpongeBob blinked.

"Anyway, we are the Hypno Slaves," SpongeBob started.

"Yes, and we have come to take you away," added Caillou.

"Away? To where?!" demanded Bob.

"It's an old warehouse, approximately halfway between Bobsville and Sunflower Valley," Snoopy responded.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Bob became scared again, and shoved the three out his front door. "Phew. Good riddance," he sighed. The door fell on top of Bob and the three characters returned.

"Come on, Bob, it's time to go!" Caillou smiled.

"I'll go when pigs fly," was Bob's answer. He wasn't going to let himself be taken away.

"Either you go, or this little guy will torture you forever and force you to play World War I Flying Ace with him," threatened SpongeBob.

Bob decided to take a third option. "Hey, guys, look! There's a bird in the house!" He pointed towards the kitchen, then ran as fast as he could.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A BIR - " the Hypno Slaves all started, before seeing that Bob was gone. "Oh."

Bob ran up to Scoop. "Scoop! Scoop!" he whispered to the yellow bulldozer, so as not to attract the Hypno Slaves.

Scoop snorted, and woke up. "Huh? What? Bob?"

"Come, on, Scoop, we have to go!" Bob hopped onto Scoop and tried to get him to move.

"Go? Go where?" yawned Scoop.

"Away from those three!"

"Wha...?"

"There's no time to explain! Let's just go!"

"Bob..." Scoop yawned loudly. "I really need my sleep."

"There's no _time_ for sleep!" Bob saw the Hypno Slaves running around the corner towards him. He jumped inside Scoop and frantically tried to drive him himself. "Come on, buddy! We have to go, NOW!" But Scoop wouldn't move.

The sponge, beagle, and four-year-old were coming up fast. "Crap!" Bob said under his breath. Then he saw Wendy's convertible, _with the key still in it__. _"YES!" He scrambled inside, turned the key, put on some rap music, stepped on the gas, and drove at 115 MPH out of the construction yard, leaving the Hypno Slaves in the dust. SpongeBob and Caillou had surprised looks on their faces, but Snoopy broke down crying.

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Bob turned onto a side street towards the soccer field. The rain had stopped by this time. He glanced behind him, and saw that the Hypno Slaves weren't coming after him anymore. _Yeah, I'll just drive for a while, and then I'll go back home. _He drove past the soccer field and out of the main part of town. The buildings ended, and countryside started. "I guess they're gone," he decided after a while. "I'll turn left here to head back towards Bobsville."

"Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha." Bob heard a familiar laugh and looked at his right, seeing the Hypno Slaves riding alongside him on a tandem bicycle.

"So, where you headed?" SpongeBob asked, coolly.

Bob was so startled that he lost control of the car and veered off the road through some tall grass. He rolled down a hill, then saw something that made him gasp in shock.

Farmer Pickles' house was in the distance, with Travis on top of the roof. It was too close for Bob to swerve and change direction. Bob slammed on the brakes... but it was too late.

**CRAAASSHHHH**

Bob crashed into the side of Farmer Pickles' house at over a hundred miles per hour, damaging the wall and making the hole in the roof larger. As a result, Travis fell through the hole and landed hard on the floor, damaging some interior walls due to his size. This in turn caused a domino effect, which made all the walls fall over, and then the roof crumbled, completely destroying the house.

Farmer Pickles struggled to climb out from all the rubble, and landed on the grass, amazingly suffering no more than a few scrapes and bruises. He dusted himself off, then saw Bob inside Wendy's car, waving and smiling sheepishly. "Uh, I-I can explain!" he stammered.

Farmer Pickles was absolutely furious. "Bob, you goddamn idiot! I thought you were a builder, not a fucking demolisher! You said you were going to fix my roof yesterday afternoon, but you never came! You caused me a lot of trouble by not coming! You eventually forced me to use Travis to cover the hole! And now you've made things worse! _You demolished my house, you bastard_! You know what?! You're not a builder, you're just stupid!"

As Farmer Pickles was ranting, Bob turned around and gasped as the three Slaves appeared coming over the hill.

"In fact, you're more than stupid, you're..."

"Farmer Pickles, HELP!" interrupted Bob, grabbing onto Farmer Pickles' leg.

"Help? With _what?_" Farmer Pickles rolled his eyes.

"Three Hypno Slaves are coming to kidnap me!" Bob cried.

"Well, you can go hump a tree for all I care," said Farmer Pickles. "I'm not helping you since you 'helped' me with my house."

"Farmer P., plea - AGH!" Bob suddenly cried out as he felt someone grab him by the ankles and start to drag him away. "Farmer Pickles, help me! **HEEELLLPPP MEEEEEE!**" Bob started to wail loudly.

"The answer is no. Goodbye, Bob," Farmer Pickles squeezed through the rubble of the house and disappeared.

Snoopy licked Bob's face to shut him up, which had the opposite effect. "**HELP ME, FARMER PICKLES! I HAVE DOG GERRRMSS! PLEASE GIVE ME SOME DISINFECTANT OR SOME IODINE OR SOMETHING! _AAAAAAHHHH!_**"

Farmer Pickles threw a bottle of disinfectant spray at Bob, which bounced off his face, and rolled into a bush.

"Aw, damn it," Bob said.

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**So, how did you like this chapter? Did you burst out laughing? Did you just have a blank expression like Bob? Or did you hate this so much that you screamed bloody murder, ripped all your hair out and destroyed the computer?! Whatever your reaction was, tell me in your reviews! If you don't, the Hypno Slaves might come to get you too! But even if you didn't review, thanks for reading! I hope to post the third chapter very soon.**


	3. The Bob Squad

**Well, since none of you fucking idiots reviewed this in the past week, I have decided to just go ahead and post the next chapter. It'd be best for my sanity if you reviewed this, but review or no review, I don't give two shits about it. Just read it. -_-**

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Bob screamed and cried as the Hypno Slaves dragged him away. He tried to squirm out, but this just caused the Slaves to put Bob in a tighter grip.

"**HELP! HELPMESOMEBODY!**" Bob continued to shriek as they approached a giant, 6-person bicycle and stopped next to it.

"Whee doggy! We got a new prisoner!" drawled a squirrel in a spacesuit.

"Yeah, mama!" cheered a female aardvark preschooler.

"Come to me, my prey," cackled a preteen girl.

"OH GOD NO!" screamed Bob. "WHO THE HE - "

"Oh, I almost forgot," remembered Snoopy, sitting down to rest his aching paws. "Bob, say hello to Sandy, D.W., and Wendy."

"Wendy?!" Bob cried, realizing that one of the slaves was named Wendy, too.

"Yeah," answered D.W.

"She says she comes from Oregon," added SpongeBob.

"Howdy there," greeted Sandy, holding out a gloved hand.

"Yeah, I don't feel like shaking hands at the moment," the builder declined, sighing. Guilt weighed down on his heart, and he suddenly felt horrible for murdering his girlfriend and fellow builder. Memories of the times they had together filled his mind and sent him into a trance.

As Snoopy rubbed his feet, SpongeBob felt himself getting a hard-on.

**(PLEASE STAND BY)**

**Yeah... let's not do that.**

"So, Bob, you ready to go?" asked Caillou.

Bob didn't respond; he was still remembering. He was thinking about how disrespectful he was to her on her last day alive. He had become lazy, slacking off on his duties as a builder and opting to stay at home and sit around like a slob instead. He had ignored Wendy's warnings, refused to get off the couch, and when it became too much for him, he killed her so he could continue to slack off. That was pretty selfish of him to do that.

Bob suddenly had his eardrums assaulted by six Hypno Slaves shouting directly into his ears: "_BOB! ARE YOU **READY TO GO YET, YOU DEAF** **BASTARD!?**_"

He snapped out of his trance and yelped, grabbing his ears in pain. "What did you do that for? I repeat, what the hell did you do that for?" he snapped. As he continued on, saying that they'd better pay his bill for him, because they just made him go deaf and he'd need "eardrum replacement surgery" and a hearing aid, plus a new closed-captioned TV, the Hypno Slaves tied him up and tossed him into a wagon that was attached to the back of the bike.

"Let's get the Sam Hill outta this wasteland," said Caillou, doing the bicycle equivalent of flooring the gas pedal of an automobile. The bike sped off, away from the pile of filth that used to be Farmer Pickles' house.

The slaves rode into town, pulling Bob along, on the road Bob planned to turn left on to get back home. Bob continued his speech, oblivious of what was happening around him. That is, until the wagon rolled over a bump.

"You have been a huge pain in the ass for me - Oh, my God..." Bob suddenly realized he was being towed through town in a wagon. As they bypassed the ghetto district, Bob desperately called for help: "PLEASE, HELP ME, I'M GETTING KIDNAPPED!" His pleads were so loud that they echoed throughout all of Bobsville, even reaching to places outside of Bobsville with a Bobsville mailing address.

Yo inside da ghetto district, dere wuz some street pimpz doin' some chronic an' mef on da side o' da road.

"What da hell iz wrong wif dat nigga?" inquired Pimp #1.

"What iz he even sayin'?" said Pimp #2.

"Ah think somethin' 'bout getting kidnapped what the fuck sup now?" Pimp #3 responded blackly.

"Ah well," Pimp #whatever said. They went back to doing their drugs. They suddenly overdosed and keeled over and died. Nobody gave a shit because they were African-American. Suddenly a bus ran all three of them over, even though it was nearly 3:30 A.M. around that time, but who cares, screw logic.

On the way to the warehouse, they passed by the construction yard. Bob was desperate by this time. "Scoop! Lofty! Anyone, **HELP MEEEE! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED BY SIX CHARACTERS FROM DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS!**" he continued to shout loudly.

So loud, in fact, that it woke all the construction vehicles in the yard up.

"Oh, crap!" whispered Lofty when he saw Bob tied up in a wagon attached to a bicycle.

"What do we do?" Scoop whispered back.

"I'll save him with my hook. It'll be one minute, I think," replied Lofty, unsure...as usual. :)

"Lofty! Lofty! Lofty!" chanted Muck, Roley, Scoop, and Dizzy as Lofty drove off.

Time slowed.

Lofty sped over to the construction yard gate and let down his hook, just as Bob passed by. He was aiming to slide his hook under one of the ropes and lift him up out of the wagon. He waited for just the right moment, then swung his hook...

...but his precision was off slightly, and he missed.

Lofty stared in shock as the kidnappers taking Bob away pedaled down the street, turned left, and disappeared. He turned around, seeing his friends' eyes fill with hurt and despair. Tears rushed to Lofty's eyes.

He'd failed, and he'd lost Bob.

His eyes looking down at his wheels, he rolled back over to the others.

"Aw, man, what do we do now?" Roley sniffed.

"We can't just stay here and mope! We have to save Bob!" Muck said determinedly.

"Yeah!" Dizzy added, doing a flip. "We need to save him! We're a team, right?!"

"RIGHT!" yelled Scoop, Muck, Dizzy, and Roley.

"Right," Lofty muttered dejectedly.

"Right?!" said Dizzy again.

"RIGHT!¡" shouted the construction vehicles. Lofty looked up, cheering up a bit.

"RIGHT?!¡" Dizzy screamed.

"**RIGHT!¡ WE'RE A TEAM!11111**" everybody screamed back.

"Can we FIX IT?!¡1" shouted Dizzy through a megaphone.

"**YES! WE! CAAANNNN!111¡111111111**" everyone cheered as loud as they could. Screams of excitement and teamwork erupted from the machines.

"Now let's go make Bob proud!" Roley narrowed his eyes.

"Can I suggest a team name?" asked Scoop.

"Sure, what?" responded Dizzy.

Scoop thought a bit. "I know! The 'Bob Squad!'" he decided after a few seconds.

"Yeaaaahh..." agreed Dizzy. "I like it!"

"Me too!" added Lofty.

"Me three!" added Muck.

"Me four!" added Roley.

"BOB SQUAD! MOVE OUT! SINGLE-FILE, PLEASE!" the cement mixer directed, through the megaphone. And everybody rolled out of the yard, in a neat, orderly, single-file line.

"Which way'd he go?" Scoop blurted out.

"He went _this_ way," answered Lofty triumphantly, pointing his hook towards the road Bob was last seen on.

"How do you know?" scoffed Muck. "I think he went the other way."

"I know he went this way, everyone," Lofty insisted. "See the moon shining above that street? Whenever you follow the moon, it takes you where you want to go."

The others looked up in the sky. Sure enough, the moon glowed above the street Lofty was referring to. Dizzy pondered this for a second. "Maybe you're right!" she decided. "Let's trust Lofty this time, guys!"

"Okay," everybody else replied.

"Let's go!" Lofty made a "come on" gesture with his hook. They all set off, following the moon.

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**REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR I'LL ASSAULT YOU WITH NYAN CATS SCREAMING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.**


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